Brilliant Literature

Word up doggs,

A little while ago an associate of mine asked me to write a brilliant and insightful play for them to perform/recite in front of a High School English class. As I had "had a few" by this point of the evening, I graciously obliged, and here is the masterpiece I came up with. Enjoy

Brilliant Hamlet Play

Setting: Manchester, 2007. Horatio is a builder who’s gone ‘round Karl Pilkington’s flat to fix the broken boiler. Karl is later explaining to his mate Hamlet what happened.

Karl: “So the first thing he says when he pops into the flat, after wakin’ me up at the crack of dawn, is ‘Alright, mate? Is that pub down the street any good?’”

Hamlet: “Ha Ha! So then what did you say?”

Karl: “Well, I just said flat out: ‘it doesn’t matter, does it? You’ll be ‘ere, fixin’ the boiler!”

Hamlet: “Right! I’m just gonna stop you there. Imagine saying that to a builder who’s just came into your house! He’s gonna be right mental after that!”

Karl: “What?! I was just reminding him that he’s there to do a job, not to bum around.”

Hamlet: “He knows why he’s there, Karl! You don’t need to remind him. He’s not going ‘Why am I here, again? Was it to hang out at the pub for a week? And what am I doing holding this toolbox? Also, who’s this baldy Manc twat standing here insulting me?”

Karl: “Well, he did go to work, so it should be all good now.”

Hamlet: “You’re havin’ a laugh! He’s probably pissing in the laundry bin as we speak.”

Karl: “No…. do you reckon he would?”

Hamlet: “To wee, or not to wee. That is the question.”

FIN

A farewell to reading week

Well, it seems that good ol' laziness week has come to end end here, and to mark the occasion I have left all of my freshly cleaned laundry in shopping bags on the floor of my room. I'm afraid that I don't actually have any enthralling tales to regale you with today, so you'll have to seek other sources to escape the opressive grip of everyday sanity. If I may make a recommendation however, it would be here: www.pbfcomics.com

I was searching about for a place to live in Calgary this May, and I was kind of amused by the way each and every posting advertised "a fantastic location with affordable rent and fun, easy-going roommates". I thought it would be humorous to make a posting which offered a horrendous location with extortionate rent and terrible weirdos for roommates, just to see how many people would respond.

Anyhoo, I accomplished next to nout today, so here is a picture of Tash biting my foot:

A Brief Dissertation on Cromit

Yup, so the dog definately cromited all over the carpet today, and I was the lucky bastard that got to clean it up.

I went out to take Tashi (the aforementioned cromiter) for a walk today, and throughout the course of this journey she took many opportunities to search and scavenge for horrible things to eat (most of them being crap). Thus, when we got home, her stomach was somewhat upset due to its failure to digest such horrendous items. I watched in horror as she lost her lunch all over the living room, and I dubbed the resulting massacre to be "Cromit" - An appalling amalgamation of crap and vomit.

I didn't take any pictures of the cromit, as I was too busy fleeing my house, but here are a few pictures of the perpetrator.

An ode to nice sit-downs, quality films, and lunar eclipses

'Sup Popes,

I realize that some hip-hoppin' gangster-folk often refer to their "homedoggs" as their "Peeps", but most of my "Peeps" would probably beat me up if I spoke of them in such terms. Thus, I shall give them the respect they are due, and deem them to be Popes in the hopes that they do not see fit to excommunicate or condemn me.

So I was buying a nice 3:30pm lunch with some friends at the pita pit yesterday, and my brother asked me what I had done all day. I responded that I had woken up at the crack of 12:25, with just enough time to whip up a quick grapefruit and cereal breakfast, and have a nice sit-down while watching Manchester United and Olympique Lyonnais duke it out in the first leg of the Champion's League knockout stage. I was, of course, hoping that Man. U. would have the shite trampled out of 'em, but it wound up in a 1-all tie on account of that 'orrible Tevez who knocked one in near the end of the game.
After that, I nipped down to Red Deer Toyota to get my vehicle back from it's brake-repair appointment (on Dad's dime, of course), and marvelled at its new brilliant braking bravado!! Huzzah!

After that, we all brought our deliciously over-sauced pitas back home for another nice sit-down, while watching the magnificent film "Eagle versus Shark". Ah, there are few things quite so poetic as when a bunch of uncultured mendicants all gather to watch a strange indepenent film which can really only be described as a romantic comedy, while we were all hopped-up on too many energy drinks, and Craig was also attempting to conquer the infamous "Milk Challenge". (SIDENOTE: For those of you who are unawares, the "Milk Challenge" consists of drinking a full 4 litres of milk in less than one hour, and if you should happen to vomit, you are officially disqualified). In spite of the situation, I actually quite enjoyed the film, and there was a particularly awesome scene, where Jarrod (Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords) actually attacks his childhood nemesis (who was now in a wheelchair) with nunchucks, but somehow winds up losing the battle. As one, we all cringed as he swung the first blow, and the hilarity was doubled as Craig ran to the bathroom to disqualify himself from the milk challenge.

After that, I took a few poor-quality photos of the lunar eclipse from our driveway (it's rather embarrassing to be such a poor photographer when you are the proud owner of so much expensive camera equipment), before retiring back inside for another sit-down. Around 8:30, I went to the pub to meet some friends-of-a-friend of mine to get some low-priced wings (which were of the deliciously-terrible quality that only pub chefs can master) and a big delicious pint of beer. I'll have you know that I can drink a whole glass of beer, sir! After that, we went to the local cinema to see Cloverfield which also turned out to be a brilliant film. Part of the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I could tell that most other people in the cinema were hating it. To answer your next question: Yes, it was also a very nice sit down.

Finally, I topped off the day by sharing a fine glass of medium quality scotch with ol' Greggins, while having the final sit-down of the evening in the den and watching Thank You For Smoking on the telly. It also was quite enjoyable, and it gave me the amusing mental image of somebody trying to light up a cigarette while balancing on top of a flat screen television.

Intro of the webbligg

Right, then!

I have often contemplated the setting up of one of these "blog" dealies, but have never got around to it before. This may have something to do with the fact that I rarely have anything at all interesting to say, and there are very few people in the world who would consider my "fine literary prose" to be anything other than mind-numbing tripe. However, I recently realized that one of my favorite hobbies is annoying or irritating people, and this blog could be an excellent outlet for doing just that. Hooray!!

Another factor which led up to the creation of this webblog (which I believe is pronounced "Webbligg") was the fact that I recently purchased the Kevin Smith book entitled "My Boring-Ass Life", which is simply a collection of all of his blog-postings since 2005. Despite the fact that Kevin does absolutely nothing all day, the book is actually an excellent read. I quickly drew the connection that I also have spent this entire week doing nothing at all, so perhaps I also have the potential to create insightful paragraphs of scintillating wonder! (Are you scintillated yet?)

It is currently reading week (with no classes) for all of the universities and colleges in Canada, which means that loads of over-educated loafers across the country (myself included) have been sleeping in 'til noon all week, and foregoing most habits of sanitation. Thus, I am currently sitting in the basement of my parents' house, still wearing the pajamas which haven't been washed in quite some time, and am about to embark on the onerous task of chronicling the tale of eccentric absurdity that is my life.